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02/14/2006 Archived Entry: "I Totally Bought Into It"

I went through my box of writing. Gobs and gobs and swarms of handwritten or typed stories and letters to my friend Claudia from high school, drawings, folders I'd doodled on, my old English class journals with teacher comments on them... I initially got John to help me pull the boxes out from the back storage room so I could look for my trasnscripts and grades from school to see if my elementary school ones were in there. ( I think those are still up in the attic in Texas somewhere, come to think of it. Oh, well, I'll call my folks about that... *mutter mutter* )

ANYWAY... I had forgotten just how much I'd bought into the mystic crystal, tarot card abuse, ouija board fear mumbo jumbo. As in, I believed in magic spells and UFO's. Basically everything Penn & Teller said was total bullshit I had completely fallen for growing up. AH HA HA! It's extremely embarassing. It's making my cheeks flush red just thinking about it.

I was looking for my grades and transcripts because I'm seeing a doctor about my depression and anxiety (and whatever else is tagging along for the ride). Part of me is going "Oh, you're just being stupid, if you just got your shit together and stopped being such a lazy ass we'd be alright." but the other side of me is going "Uh, no. Normal people probably don't feel the urge to run and hide when they see people coming or are too scared to even call out for pizza. Normal people don't go through their day with complete apathy and balling like a baby over anything remotely nostalgic."

What's even sadder is going back and reading about my old insecurities. It's really sad. As in, I wish it never happened kind of sad. As in, I wish I knew then what I know now kind of sad. I wouldn't've been such a nutcase maybe if I knew and was open to more lines of thought like I am now.