Archived Weblog Entry - 01/19/2006: "Things For Today"

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01/19/2006 Archived Entry: "Things For Today"

"It's new, I fear it."

blush That's essentially the reaction you'll get from me when you propose I do or attempt anything new. In this case, I've got to call and make an appointment because my brain is borked. That is to say, I've got to get depression medication. Well, clinical depression. Not only that but John is suggesting we take up a form of martial arts, namely aikido.

crying So the equation is... New Meds + Make Appointment + New Activity That Involves Me Being Social = "Oh, hell no!!" I'm gonna have to drag my ass kicking and screaming all the way there. To other people this wouldn't be a big deal - I envy those people without social anxiety. Sometimes it gets so bad I can't even make a phonecall for pizza. It sounds stupid, like I'm being lazy or silly. (My mother would probably accuse me of that.) But if you've never had any kind of feeling in your gut when you enter a room full of people that you're going to turn 180 and peel out the door screaming then I really, REALLY envy you.

I hate "sheeple" as a general rule, but I deal with "sheeple" every day. You know the kind, the blankfaced consumer you see when you're the one behind the counter. They all start looking the same, moving along the same stream. You can see it in a crowded mall. Those are easy to filter out. It's the ones that want my attention or whose attention I'm trying to get that makes my skin crawl. I start making up excuses in my mind not to talk to them... "Oh, they're too far." "I can find what I'm looking for by myself."

In this case, however, I have to do this. I have no way of backing out of it and if I can't do it, I can't fix myself of it. Catch 22. Syntax error. Bork bork borked. So here I am trying to psyche myself into it. "C'mon, pick up the phone. You're miles away and don't have to look them in the eye, all you gotta do is flap those fat lips of yours and say 'My brain is borked, I need help!'." .....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!