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08/03/2005 Archived Entry: "I keep thinking in "these days"..."

These days... when the hell did I ever use that term in the past? I can't think of a time until about two years back when the fire inside just... died. It was tamed inexplicably, something just stowed it away in a locked cabinet. In a little jar marked "My Old Magic".

Intimidation set in. Fear of not being as good or as full of vision as other people. Working only to compare or match up to other artists, working just hard enough to please other people instead of myself.

And I fell in... Trying to climb out's a real pain. A -real- pain, like a broken heart some days. It's not that teenager kind of "everything is against me", either. Fortunately, I outgrew that. It's like I'm feeling my own mortality constantly when I can't create. It drives me to tears. If I'm not lacking in vision, it's eloquence or competence or some other aspect and then the judgement rains down.

All I've got is my mind in the grand scheme of things. I used to wonder why comedians or actors were sad, dark people when they weren't laughing or being something else. You lose yourself, working only to make other people react.

So now I'm here trying to tear it all away and after all this struggle I'm wondering if I've put a dent in it, at all.

I keep thinking in "these days"...